“If They’d Just Change…”: Releasing the Fallacy of Change

“If They’d Just Change…”: Releasing the Fallacy of Change

“If he really loved me, he’d stop doing that.”

“If she cared about this relationship, she’d be different.”

“If I keep showing him the right way, maybe he’ll finally get it.”

Sound familiar? These are classic signs of the Fallacy of Change, a cognitive distortion that places our emotional well-being in someone else’s hands and waits for them to adjust.

Let’s explore how this mindset shows up in relationships, what it costs us, and how we can shift toward healthier expectations and self-empowerment.

What Is the Fallacy of Change?

The fallacy of change is the belief that someone else must change for you to be okay and that, with enough effort, you can make them do it.

This often shows up in phrases like:

• “I just need to help them see…”

• “If I love them enough, they’ll change.”

• “Once they stop doing that, I can be happy.”

This mindset often stems from a deep desire for connection and harmony. But it also sets us up for disappointment, frustration, and resentment.

Why We Fall Into It

We often see potential in others. We believe the best in people. And sometimes, we’ve learned (especially from early relationships) that love equals fixing, pleasing, or proving our worth.

It can feel loving to try to change someone. But underneath that effort is often anxiety and a belief that our own peace depends on someone else becoming different.

The High Cost of the Fallacy of Change

Emotional Burnout

Trying to change someone is exhausting. It can leave you feeling hopeless or emotionally depleted.

Relationship Tension

Pressure to change can erode trust. It’s hard for love to flourish when one person feels they’re not “enough” as they are.

Loss of Self

When your happiness hinges on someone else’s transformation, you may lose touch with your own needs, boundaries, and agency.

Letting Go Doesn’t Mean Giving Up

1. Accept What Is

This doesn’t mean you approve. It means you stop denying reality and start making choices based on what’s true now.

2. Focus on Your Side of the Street

You can’t control their behavior but you can choose your boundaries, your reactions, your needs, and whether you stay or go.

3. Ask Empowering Questions

• What do I need?

• What am I tolerating?

• What does love look like for me, even if they don’t change?

4. Love Without Control

You can care deeply without managing someone’s growth. Real love includes acceptance and accountability.

Choosing Peace Over Pressure

You don’t need to wait for someone else to grow before you start living your life with clarity and courage.

At Gentle Empathy Counseling, we help individuals untangle their sense of self from others’ behavior. If you’re feeling stuck in a relationship where you’re always hoping someone will change, you deserve support and a chance to come home to yourself.

📞 Ready to begin your journey toward more peaceful thinking?

Contact us today to schedule a consultation.

STAY TUNED: TOMORROW’S POST: “After Everything I’ve Done…”: The Trap of the Just world Fallacy or “Suffering-Reward association”